April Fool's
by Titania Le Fey
Summary: This was wrote as a joke between my friend's and I. Snake wakes up April Fool's day having been transformed into a female cop for the day.


Snake woke up and he felt like hell. No, this was worse than hell. His stomach was cramped up like a sucker punch that just wouldn't quit. Rolling over he groaned pulling into a fetal position. That's when he noticed the unusual shape of his body. Plissken looked down wide-eyed at the tank top bulging with what Snake would normally consider very nice breasts. What the hell was he doing with them?

Not this again! Plissken rolled his eye. The curiosity of how he'd come to this situation was burned away by another round of pain. Under his breath Plissken cursed whatever god, being or thing that had made him a woman again. Wasn't once enough? Growling he sat up letting the pain fuel the worst mood Plissken had ever felt. He wanted to kill, kill with his bare hands.

His eye roved around the unfamiliar room. More pain and Snake tangled his fingers into the blankets. The room looked familiar but through the pain in his stomach surging to the pain in his eye he couldn't place it.

"Stephanie!" The female voice came from outside the door. Plissken glared daggers at the closed door. He was in no mood for people or the sun or…. Something told him he was going to be late for work. What work? Plissken couldn't place it. He didn't care and curled back up in the bed. The pain was getting worse.

By the time the door cracked open Snake was so furious from pain that he was biting his own hand.

"Steph, you're going to be late."

Plissken looked up at the cute redhead that had stepped into the room. The uniform caused his blood to boil. A COP! He could only imagine how angry he looked laying there like a wounded animal. The woman seemed unperturbed and came to the bedside. Snake wasn't dealing with the pain well and grabbed a pillow throwing it at her with all of his strength.

"What's gotten into you this morning?" The other woman's voice was full of concern. Other woman? Plissken paused uncomfortable with how quickly his mind was catching up with his condition. Snake just groaned curling up tighter. He felt like he was dying. If there was blood he would believe it, from a gunshot wound.

The woman sighed and left. He could hear something in the adjacent room but ignored it. He didn't care. She came back and Plissken looked up long enough to give her a mean stare. That look was short lived when he saw what was in her hands. She gave him the glass of water and the painkillers. Snake could have kissed her and almost did before he remembered that he wasn't a him any longer. Plissken didn't hesitate to pop the pills.

"I'll let them know but I suggest you get your uniform on and get out as soon as possible. Hauk was pissed at us last time we were late for patrol."

"Hauk? " The words were out with shock before Snake could stifle them.

"The commissioner?" The redhead's brow rose before she giggled. "You must be having hell this month. He may stay away from you today. Lucky." The girl slowly stood and smiled. "I'll see you on the helipad."

Snake was in a state of disbelief. Of all the fucked up things to do, making him a female cop had to be the worst. Plissken sighed relaxing on the bed and waiting impatiently for the pills to kick in. He still felt like killing someone even if the pain was starting to fade.

Hauk of all people too. Snake was disappointed and didn't want to see that bastard. Come to think of it he really didn't want Hauk to see him in this state. It was... it was… Plissken just grumbled as he stood. His body was lighter now and he looked up to catch sight of himself in the mirror. The hair and patch were the same but the rest. Plissken looked from the mirror down at himself. He was curvy and muscular; oddly enough it reminded him of that night he'd already endured as a woman. At least there though he hadn't been a cop.

The thought left a bad taste in his mouth but it didn't much look like he had an option. Grumbling he stood and wavered under more pain. Snake shuffled to the bathroom and frowned at the toilet before turning to sit on it. The humiliation was unbearable. To make it all seem better Plissken vowed to find out who did this and kick their ass. His usual survival instincts kicked in and he started storing his anger and pain. It was a reservoir reserved for the bastard responsible for this morning.

Snake hadn't noticed how he'd crumpled up on the toilet with his arms across his stomach and his head resting on his knees. It just felt comfortable. The pain eased and the nausea with it. If only he could stay there for the whole day and forget any of this was happening. It wasn't likely Hauk would give him that kind of break. Even if he had no idea who the woman was, Snake was certain Hauk would piss him off.

Plissken needed to get up. He finished up on the toilet and stood in front to the bathroom mirror eyeing the makeup on the stand. There was no way in hell. He turned the faucets looking to relax with some cold water before resolving to attempt to dress and deal with this. That's when he noticed the blood on his hand. Snake stared at it and then looked around confused before his eye came to rest on the blood smudge on his inner thigh.

His mind was slow at putting it together until another round of pain brought his senses. His mind returned to the woman's comment, the pain, the irritability, the blood. His eye rolled in utter disgust.

"Shit!" This day was going downhill faster than a rig with no breaks. This had to be some big joke of the world with God laughing his ass off at the misery. Snake's eye narrowed at the girl in the mirror. He hated her. No, he hated the asshole who'd brought her into existence. He should be looking at himself. Snake clenched the sink with a death grip before squatting down to look into cabinet beneath the sink. He assumed that's where women would keep what he was looking for.

The cabinet was empty. Fury rushed in as Snake slammed the cabinet shut and stood once more. Hate, he'd never felt hate like this. It was him and all his fury plus more. If only the place would burst into flames on his command the world would be much better. It didn't happen and Snake reluctantly started rummaging through bath. Finally he found what he needed. Snake grimaced at the pink pouch in his hands before glancing around. On the Brightside at least it wasn't a tampon. Plissken shivered and went to work trying to figure out what to do.

He sat down on the closed toilet looking at the instructions neatly printed in blue on the bright pink. Seemed easy enough. The thing worked just like tape. He pulled the panties down and held the folded pad in his hand. His eye roved between the panties, the pastel pink wrapper and the clipped hair between his legs. For all his love of women he absolutely despised being one.

Sighing heavily Snake pulled on the wrapper. To his surprise it opened too easily and the pad flew, skidding across the tiles. Plissken stared maliciously at it. He wanted to kill it, set it on fire and watch it burn. He picked it up once more and unfolded it. Peeling off the paper he dropped it in the garbage. Now to…The damned thing was stuck together sticky side to the other. Snake scowled and gingerly peeled it apart. That accomplished he stuck it in place and pulled the panties back into place.

The damned thing was uncomfortable and he shifted around trying to get used to it. More anger boiled up as he stood before the closet and pulled out the uniform. He was disgusted. In fact, Plissken didn't even want to touch it but it looked like he would be forced to. Someone was going to die a painful death when he was back in his own body. The death of ten thousand razorblade cuts was sounding very good as he pulled on the uniform. Luckily, his military training cued him on how to dress the uniform.

Snake stood in front of the full length mirror giving himself a critical once over. He hated it. Everything was uncomfortable and the pants were too tight. Plissken toyed with the idea of staying in the room and ignoring the world. All that would do was bring more Blackbellies. He hated Blackbellies and now he was one. Snake was so pissed off that no words could describe the explosive fury that was about to explode from him. The pain was coming back on top of it. Plissken holstered his pistol and headed for the door.

He opened it and found himself face to face with another officer. The smile on his face was too much.

"There you are Cupcake."

Cupcake?! Plissken swallowed hard as he glared daggers at the man in the doorway.

"Get the fuck out of my way!" Snake was fuming.

"Aw. Allison said you weren't feeling well. I came by to see how you were doing." Snake would have been fine if the sleazy dog hadn't grabbed his ass. Plissken didn't think. He couldn't with all the boiling fury. He cocked back and slugged the offender in the mouth.

"Get your dirty fucking hands off of me."

The guy was still standing but a few feet back now. His fingers were delicately touching the bloodied lip. Snake's expression took on the most hate filled look he could muster.

"I have to get to my post!" He declared and shoved past. If the day went on like this he was going to kill someone. Plissken used the walk down the long corridor to try and calm. It wasn't working. Every time he managed to cool another dog walked past and pissed him off. They didn't need to say anything. Just seeing them was enough.

Finally, he saw the red-haired woman, Allison he figured, wave in his direction. She was a blackbelly but at least she had given him painkillers. That put her just a notch above the rest.

"Feeling better?"

"No!" Plissken snapped.

The woman smiled unconcerned with his behavior. "We're on mounted patrol in Brooklyn today." She glanced at Plissken and started to walk. Snake followed.

"Looks like you could use some time away from people."

"You could say that." Plissken muttered. The woman wrapped her arm in his and giggled. Snake sighed but let her go. She hadn't grabbed his ass or called him Cupcake so she could be forgiven.

"Maybe we'll find a fight for you." She smiled wide as they walked into the stables.

"Can't we just start one?" Snake was serious. He wanted to start one. Particularly with that bastard who dared to call him a Cupcake.

"Word is you already have."

Snake just grinned. Maybe he could do something with this day after all.  



End file.
